Friday, March 14, 2008

To the Wainkstains Who Sent Me the Prayer Mat

Dear sirs/madams -

I happened upon your truly charming envelope while sorting my mail out from the pile behind the door where it falls so neatly each day. I was shocked to learn that Jesus himself had sent me mail, and it warmed the cockles of my heart to see that he hand even hand addressed the envelope! In blue pen! (At first I was a bit confused by Jesus speaking English and writing in roman letters, but I eventually figured he'd had 2000 years to practice and I was probably over-analyzing things).

Unfortunately, the illusion of a personalized message on an envelope is lost when the ink has the same sheen as the rest of the printing on the envelope. Also, actual writing leaves dents. Now, you've managed to get Jesus on your payroll writing personal messages for all of your mail recipients. I can't imagine that its cheap to keep a big-name celebrity like that, so it follows logically that your organization must have a sizable bank account. Or maybe you are paying him on prayers? Either way, could maybe chuck in a few extra dollars or a couple of Hail Mary's to have the fake writing embossed? There's really nothing like the disappointment of thinking your lord and savior has sent you a personalized message through the US postal service only to realize that he has actually just cranked out about 1,000 of these on a cheap risograph.

Also , while we are on the subject of your bankroll, why on EARTH would you want this prayer mat you so kindly shipped to me without invitation back? Your accompanying letter says that you wish it to be sent to other families so that they may use it as well, but this seems to be poorly thought out. Firstly, the paper it is printed on is incredibly thin. As a woman of some size, I ripped that poor mat right down the center the moment my portly knees pressed down upon his holy face! No one wants a holey Jesus. Secondly, surely it must cost you more in postage to send these out than it costs to print them. Perhaps a better alternative would be to cross the non-believers off of your mailing list and cater to those who have bought magazines from the charming youths you send to our doors once a year? Then the poor starving children who need a miracle won't have to settle with a knelt-on, ripped up Jesus. Finally, I do believe the mat you sent me was defective. I followed your instructions and stared deeply into His eyes while prostrating myself in his name, but his eyes did not open as the message explicitly said they would. I know for a FACT that I am favored in His sight, so I can only conclude that said mat is defective. For these reasons, I will be giving it a proper Christian burial rather than passing it along. No one deserves a defective Jesus.

Sadly, I will not be sending you any seed donations. I find it rather puzzling that you ascribe a monetary value to "seed" as my husband spills his freely and regularly. Also, I have a suspicion that the containers needed to transport said seed safely back to you would not fit in the envelope for which you have provided paid postage. As I do not wish to infringe on any biological material shipping regulations, I am afraid my donation will have to wait until you are able to provide the proper receptacle. (Please note however, that I am enclosing my prayer requests and have selected that you pray for a sum of $200,000 to be deposited into my account AND a car. Is there any chance you might pray for a Mercedes? Or is that pushing my luck? It's up to you - I can settle for a new Toyota in a pinch.)

In closing, I must admit that I was profoundly disappointed by the enclosed prophecy. I have had better readings from New Orleans street psychics who were half blind with only 3 fingers and possibly fewer teeth. Perhaps you could hire one of these fine upstanding citizens to work alongside Jesus on your campaign. They could prophesize AND work the embossing machine! Surely this would greatly improve your campaign for our souls, and might even inspire me to send you a check!

Love always

PS: I find it rather amazing that I only have to type your name into Google to find 5,000+ warnings of fraud. Perhaps your image needs an overhaul - most fraud is committed online these days. Spamming is always a cheap alternative, and it doesn't even require embossing!

I think the FBI might be interested in knowing where God keeps his printing presses.

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